Okay, it’s not a secret that Xavier’s dad and I broke up after he cheated on me (5 girls just this year alone) with his second cousin. I’ve probably played the scenario countless times inside my head with dozens of what-ifs in picture but oh well, it didn’t make any difference, the pain of the betrayal still burns. And so I sought advice from friends and families, read dozens of articles on how to move on and all the what nots.
One of the things I wanted to do was to get a tattoo with my son’s initial. And then Google gave me an article from eHarmony on Nine Things to Never Do After a Breakup. It made me change my perspective on the tattoo thing and also made me question my actions.
Don’t pretend you’re fine. Let yourself mourn. Cry. Punch a pillow. Journal. Surround yourself with friends who listen. Okay, I get this and did a lot of this, even cried in my office several times while I was talking to Antonio about the whole thing. I’d be a lying bitch if I don’t admit that yes, I still cry about the whole thing. It’s not a happy movie when your boyfriend cheated on you, yes, it hurts like bitch.
Don’t try to be “just friends.” Create intentional space for a while and let yourself mourn the end of the relationship. If your ex is pushing for friendship, stand your ground if you’re uncomfortable with the idea. Wow! This I skipped. I mean I could reason out that we need to be friends because we have a child but I need to face the fact that the intentional space will help me move on. I have to be firm on my decision that we can’t be friends for now and I have to allow the pain of his betrayal heal. So it’s up to him if wants to send financial support to his son or not, but maybe if he won’t I will really sue him for it. I will however not keep the child away from his family coz after all, they’re my kid’s family too and even the world turns upside down, nothing will change that.
Never seek revenge. The thrill of revenge only feeds bitterness and hatred. You may have been deeply wronged, but “getting even” won’t heal any wounds. Forgive and move on. Carry your head high and spend your energy on people who deserve it. This I always keep in mind. Although the financial support for X is totally a different issue coz it’s not for my well-being, it’s for our child, I really will sue him for it if he does not give it. However, vengeance for his betrayal? No, I’ll leave that to the hands of time. I know there will be a perfect time for karma to do what she does best.
Never communicate. In any format. Give yourself some time to adapt to single life. Communicating with him about his child is an exemption right? Coz we’ve been doing that lately. He constantly asks about my personal life, whether I’m dating someone now and the likes, but I don’t answer those kind of questions, I tell him only and only about Xav’s progress. I have to admit though that every time he asks me about personal things, I talk to friends and have them remind me that I need to stand my ground and just keep the conversation on Xav. Thanks to my support system for never failing to keep from going astray.
Never beg for reconciliation. Maybe you don’t understand why it ended. Maybe you think it ended for the wrong reasons. Maybe you’d just rather be in a bad relationship than be in no relationship at all. Instead of clinging to lost hope, find a wise friend who can help you walk through the reasons why you’re having a hard time letting go. I keep my focus on how he betrayed me so I don’t beg for reconciliation. I put in mind that I could find someone better, someone who will not treat me like he could fool around with other girls when he’s bored with me and Xav.
Don’t sleep together. Don’t do it. No woman on her deathbed says, “I really wish I slept with my ex-husband one last time.” Let the break be clean. Even if I wanted to, not possible anymore coz I threw him out of the house already.
Don’t Facebook-stalk your ex. Okay, his new girlfriend/second cousin blocked my account on his account so this is not applicable anymore. And I am thankful that she did coz even if I am tempted to check his account, now I really can’t. Although I could hack his account to get access but too much effort so not doing any hacking anytime soon.
Don’t get a haircut — or tattoo. Make no drastic changes for a while. It’s easy to make rash decisions post-breakups. One major change in your life can inspire even more change. If you have a tattoo-design epiphany in the days following heartache, wait a few months before acting on it. Wait until you’re emotionally back on your feet. Hair grows back, but be warned: a bad bowl cut can hurt your already-bruised confidence. Don’t kick yourself when you’re down. Wow! This one got me bad, I was going to get a tattoo with the Xavier’s initial but now seriously reconsidering it.
Never give up. He wasn’t the one. He made you feel like nothing. Don’t let a breakup destroy hope. Love isn’t a one-shot-only experience. Learn what you can from the relationship that just ended and move forward. Don’t give up on meeting your perfect match. Be thankful that the wrong relationship ended to free you up for the right one. I am not giving up that someday I will eventually find someone who’s going to be the one for both me and my son. For now, I am closing my door and windows so I could heal myself. I can’t go into another relationship, as broken and my self-esteem missing in action as it is right now. Maybe someday, I will find the strength to open that door and the windows again.
Xavy & Mom 