A millennial in love, or not.

“I do want the facade of a relationship, but not the work of a relationship. I want that hand holding but not the eye contact, I want the teasing but not so much serious conversations. I want the pretty promise but a bit hesitant on the actual commitment. Of course I want to celebrate the anniversaries yet I wonder if I can do the 365 days that lead up to them. I want that happily ever after, but unsure about the effort in the here and now. I want to have deep connections too, but maybe not too deep, in case I want to get out of it. I want that world series kind of love, but I’m actually scared of taking the bat for it. Of course I want someone to hold my hand and sweep me off my feet, but at the same time I want to remain safely and independently standing on my own. I want to keep chasing love, but heck, I don’t want to actually fall into it.”

Yep, I think I am in love. Absolutely and crazy in love. That “kilig” feeling? Yes, exactly that one. Shit, try mo nga watch “Pretty Noona Who Buys Me Food” then tell me if you won’t fall for Hae-in’s smiles. Pusong bato ka na talaga pag hindi pa. But this show is making me re-evaluate whether I have indeed moved on from Xavy’s dad and am I ready to get into a relationship?

It’s been 4 years since. I would like to believe that I’ve learned a lot about myself, had a few realizations here and there, and most importantly I think I now know how much of a fool I was back then. Now that I look back, maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was the challenge of changing him. But then again, maybe I’m just in denial that I did love someone like him. Haha! Either way, I’ve learned that you can’t get into a relationship thinking that you can change the person into what you want. It’s not like something that you can customize into your preferences. That was my first mistake, at the end of the day, no matter what you do, you can never change a person unless he/she wants to change. Kung babaero si guy and you think maybe he’ll change because of me, girl, unang-una tanggapin mo muna na magiging babaero sya forever, bonus na lang kung magbago sya because of you. Now kung hindi naman talaga matanggap ng brain cells mo na may kahati, eh di wag mo na simulan pa. 

That feeling of a fresh love, a fresh relationship, that won’t last. So there has to be something more to make your relationship last. Kung wala na yung kilig, ano na? Coz girl, you have to admit that there’s going a lot of days na wala yung kilig, it’s just that comfortable feeling between you too. Some people say that it’s better when you’re friends first but then some argue that you can always build the friendship along the way. Who’s to say who’s right and who’s not.

And when you’re in a relationship, please, I beg of you, please don’t make him your world. Coz when that relationship ends, you’ll find your world crumbling down along with it. Eh sabi nga na iba, pag nagka-boyfriend or nagka-girlfriend na, nakakalimutan na ang barkada. Wag naman naman gurl. It’s a must that you keep your circle of friends and you let him keep his circle of friends as well. Let him have his “boys night out” and insist on your right to have a “girls night out” as well.

See, I was an immature girl back then, over confident and impulsive. And I’m glad things turned out this way. Coz otherwise, kahit sinu-sinong babae pa kaya ang inaaway ko ngayon. Nakaka-degrade ng self-esteem. So am I bit wiser now? I don’t know, maybe I’ve put my wall a little higher this time. But am I ready? Maybe I should explore becoming a lesbian instead, as my boss crazily suggested. *lol I got a few crushes here and there but getting into a relationship with any of them, ahhhmm no.

So maybe I’ve moved on. (Shit 4 years na, loka-loka na lang talaga pag hindi pa ako nakapag-move onPero tangina, kumukulo talaga dugo pag naalala na kahit pang-tuition man lang ni Xavy wala syang naibigay – samantalang binibilhan nya nga ano-ano yung girlfriend nya. Tangina! Kaya wag lang talaga silang makalapit sa anak ko kasi makakapatay ako ng hayop.) But I actually think I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Sometimes my life is exhausting and I don’t want to bring another person into my exhausting life. I have a lot of baggage and I don’t want to unload it on someone, plus I don’t think I’m ready for another person’s baggage. But pede naman akong paki-usapan, I can adjust if that person looks like Hae-in. *lol

Relationships, affairs and infidelity.

“Don’t do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.” – Confucius

I’ve always believed that karma exists. Sometimes not as fast as you wanted it but still, it’s there, sulking in the dark and just waiting for the right moment. Which is why if I do something really drastic I always take into consideration if I would be okay if someone did the same thing to me. I’m no saint, I’m a bitch most of the time. But hey, I try to do good most of the time but still I’ve made mistakes and I’ll prolly make more in the future. Who knows really.

This post is long overdue, years overdue. I’ve ran this scenario thru my mind countless times, thinking about what I’m going to write, how should I tell this story. I suppose it’s best I start from the beginning.

We grew up poor but I always thought that it was okay because I had respectable and good parents. Mom worked in the government and Dad toiled our very small farm. I had high respect for my father because even if he didn’t finish high school, he had principles, he smoked but he didn’t drink, didn’t gamble although he had dozens of fighting cocks at home (yes, my childhood included chores such as feeding these chickens every morning and afternoon). Although we were sent to the city to study in good schools as soon we turned 12, I’ve always thought I was a daddy’s girl.

And then I met Xavy’s dad. Despite what my sister and friends said about him, I thought I was in love. Yes, we did have a good run, but he cheated on me with various girls. And dami kong inaway na mga babae during our relationship. Yes, totoo talaga na madalas sa mga seaman, manloloko. And cheating for me is such a big deal. Maybe because I’ve never cheated in any of my past relationships so I know I didn’t deserve to go through something like it. (PS Xavy’s dad and I were on a break when I had a brief relationship with Pikot). I knew it was the end when he cheated on me with his second cousin. Xavy was about to turn 1 when I found out about it. But yung totoo, I wasn’t so sure about ending it that time but I had this good friend at work, Oscar was his name, he was the one who told me “Senorita, what are you still doing with him? Throw him out of your place right now.” And I thought, yes, I don’t think I deserve that. I remember a few weeks after, how one day my boss caught me inside my office crying my heart out. He took me to his office and talked some sense into me. Thank goodness, I have amazing friends at work who gave me strength to end it.

And my dad saw that. He knew that Xavy’s dad cheated on me and saw how broken I was after. I was broken as fuck, I was going to be a single mom and I was all alone. It was hard enough to deal with a broken heart, then there was this lifetime responsibility right before me that I can’t escape. Yes, I cried my eyes out for weeks, I couldn’t even watch a single freaking romantic movie or listen to love songs without breaking down for months, yes months! At night, I’d look at Xavy when he’s sleeping and burst out crying. Yes, it was that hard, emotionally and financially. And I couldn’t catch a break and deal with my broken heart because the fuck I had someone to feed and raise. I think I put my broken heart down and figured it’ll heal on its own eventually, the priority was to keep the roof over our heads and our stomachs filled.

So Dad recommended a yaya who ccording to my Dad, textmate daw ng kilala nya. She’s about 35 something and she was single. She was from Jimalalud (neighboring town of our home town). So she started working with us. To cut the story short, she was a really good yaya to Xavy. I didn’t have to tell her what to do. She’d even prepare food for me to take to work sometimes. She knew how to cook too. Dad started coming over more often, I figured it must be because he’s getting fond of his apo. My sister, who’s out of the country started to suspect that there must be something going on with the yaya and my father. I shrugged it off thinking that my father wouldn’t do such a thing to my mother who’s all her life has done nothing but be a good wife and mom. And I have always been vocal to my dad and everyone in the house about my stance when it comes to mistresses. My dad knew about this one incident when I got an indecent proposal from the husband of someone I work with. I’ve repeatedly mentioned that I wouldn’t want to be someone’s mistress because I don’t want the same thing to happen to my parents.

And then one day I saw Dad’s texts on the yaya’s phone. It was the kind of messages I didn’t expect to read, their endearment was “love”. I think I saw red that time but I acted as if nothing happened. I confronted my dad first, he denied at first but eventually admitted when he realized I was not bluffing. His first instinct was to convince me to just keep quiet because it would destroy our family and it meant nothing to him anyways. I kept it all to myself for a few weeks, pretending to the yaya that I didn’t know, or maybe Dad already told her then. Of course I was going to send her home but I wanted to do it at the end of the year, it was November. Anyways, one time I opened up to my officemates about the issue. Apparently, some of them already knew coz one of my officemates was renting one of the rooms in the house. He’s seen the yaya and my Dad na naglalambutsingan at the living room when we’re all sleeping (nasa ground floor yung living room at lahat kami, sa second floor natutulog). And it has been going on for a while now.

It was then that I decided to tell my sister and brother about it. Looks like my brother also knew about it already and he thought I tolerated it. My sister right then and there called my Mom and had move out of the house and come to my place. I also confronted the yaya and told her she’s going home right there and then. I didn’t swear or say bad words to her cause I took into consideration the fact that she took care of Xavy really well. I just told her that of course I am not going to tolerate and accept whatever it is that’s going on with her and Dad.

Of course my Dad and I had a long conversation. He never apologized for his actions. In fact he blamed me for the whole thing. He said I was the first one who brought shame into our family for becoming a single mom – like as if it was my doing that Xavy’s dad fucked his cousin. He blamed me, apparently it was because of me that he cheated on my Mom with the yaya. That kind of excuse didn’t sit well with me so I haven’t spoken to my Dad for years now. I just couldn’t grasp what I did that caused him to do what he did. It’s not like I pointed a gun to his head and forced him to fuck the yaya.

This incident left another scar in my heart. The Dad that I put in a pedestal, I respected so much was just like his brother who also cheated on his wife. And worse of it all is that he did it under my roof and blamed the whole thing on me. He knew how devastated I was when Xavy’s dad cheated on me and yet he chose to do the same thing to my Mom. And he blamed it on his father in law, saying that Lolo never liked him for Mom. This was after more than 35 years of marriage.

Now, Mom has gone back home. She wants to stay with Dad’s side – the “until death do us part” part of the marriage vows. I find that that the Boomer generation tend to be very loyal to their marriages. Or maybe because my Mom is from a very small town and her beliefs very conservative. We (me and my siblings) all believe that Dad’s still seeing the yaya. We know our Dad’s tactics, he’s a very smart and manipulative person. My Mom’s been suffering emotional abuse for years and she refuses to leave him. Every few months, she’d go out of the country and visit my sister. My Mom’s psychological state is not very stable. She can’t handle to much stress, she’d start hallucinating if she’s stressed out.

So back to karma. I thought if I said no to that indecent proposal, it wouldn’t happen to our family but I was wrong. This whole thing made me realize anything can happen, karma is real but it comes in various forms. So please, I beg of you, if you’re in a relationship with a married person, please stop. Think about the family you’re destroying. Think about how it could also happen to you or your kids families in the future.

That’s my story.



Struggles of a Single Mom

It’s been crazy these past days, I had to juggle 3 jobs at the same time – one full time job and 2 online jobs. Hans’ father only gives 5k a month, not even half of Hans expenses. And I got so pissed this month because he’s weeks delayed with his financial support.

This week has been draining. I only had 200 bucks and Hans’ milk and diapers was only good for the night. I had to find a way to get money coz it’s too embarrassing to ask money from my parents and my sister. Good thing one of my friends who owed me money decided to pay. I had at least a thousand bucks to budget for his milk, diapers and wet wipes to last until my oDesk online transfer clears at the bank.

Today, I had to call in sick from my full time job coz I had to catch a deadline for one of my clients. Good thing that for the past weeks, my online earnings is at least 4k compared to this week’s 1800 only. At least I can budget for the electric bills which is overdue already. Damn, sometimes I wish I could just resign from my life you know.

Top Ten Secret Mom Confessions

Confession #1: Mom Wants to be Left Alone. Me time, when you can do whatever you darn well please, becomes practically non-existent once you’re a parent, and our survey found it’s the pre-baby luxury that moms miss most. Out of everything they miss from before kids—a better body, more disposable income, time with friends—23% of moms most crave alone time. “I can’t wait to get away from my kids sometimes. I need alone time (even away from my husband),” wrote one mom. Fourteen percent most pine for their pre-baby body and an equal number put sleep as #1 on their wish list.
Confession #2: She’s Weird About Breastfeeding. Society sends a lot of mixed messages about nursing, and it turns out moms have internalized the debate. While 18% of moms say they judge others for choosing not to breastfeed, even more—42%—confess they get sketched out over extended breastfeeding. “I breastfed my daughter until after she was 2, but my mom and husband are the only ones that know that,” one respondent wrote.
Confession #3: She Sends Her Kid to School Sick. Junior’s complaining of a stomachache, but he hasn’t thrown up, and you’ve got a big day at work. Send him to school or keep him home? If you’re like 49% of our working mom respondents, you let him go to school or daycare and hope for the best. “I gave my child Advil and sent him to day care with a fever,” shared one mom. “I figured he had gotten it from the other kids in the class, and I had already missed 15 days of work with him being sick.”
Confession #4: She Wants a Do-Over. Ask any mom if she’s happy with how things turned out, and she’ll probably say yes to your face. But anonymously, 71% of moms told us if they could do it all over again, they’d do it a little differently. Almost 23% would choose another spouse, 21% wished they had more kids, and 19% would pick a more flexible career path. A slim 4% ‘fessed up to questioning the decision to have children altogether. “Although I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for the world, there are times when I wish I could have a ‘do-over’ and maybe start having them later in life,” said one mom. “I do miss being able to do things spontaneously and only having to worry about myself.”
Confession #5: She’ll Take Sleep Over Sex. Nap or nookie? Once the kids are asleep, almost 53% of moms would take a good night of sleep over mind-blowing sex any day. Being tired is an almost universal complaint among the moms we surveyed. As one mom put it: “Everyone tells you to enjoy the time you have with your kids while they are young, but sometimes I am just so tired and worn out, enjoying them just feels like more work!”
Confession #6: She’s Distracted by Technology. Here’s the good news: only 5% of moms owned up to their child getting hurt because they were busy texting or surfing the web. The bad news: 18% have had close calls, which means that nearly a quarter of the moms surveyed are a little too attached to their tech devices. Back away from the iPhone, Mom!
Confession #7: She Medicates…Her Kids. You’ve seen her—the mom trying to reason with the shrieking kid at 30,000 feet. Or maybe you’ve been her. Either way, desperate times call for desperate measures, and fear of having an unruly child motivates almost 18% of moms surveyed to medicate their child before a long car trip or a flight. Almost 8% of moms even said they sometimes do it on a regular night at home, just to get some peace and quiet!
Confession #8: She Judges Other Moms. Ever felt judged by another mom? Well, you weren’t just imagining it. A scant 12% of moms claimed to not give a hoot what other moms do, but the other 88% admitted they let the judgments fly. Top among the behaviors most likely to garner dirty looks? Sixty-six percent of moms said a bratty kid. Weight and eating issues also hit a nerve for many moms. Almost 37% judge a mom with an overweight child, and 34% look down on kids eating junk food.
Confession #9: Mom Has a Favorite Child. You swear up and down to your kids that you love them equally, but for almost 14% of moms surveyed, that’s not true; in their heart of hearts, they have a fave. As one mom said: “I love all my kids equally, but I *enjoy* one of them more. I try to not let it show in my behavior with all my kids, but I fear it may seep out.”
Confession #10: She Uses Her Kids to Get Out of Things. Invited out by someone you think is boring? Kids provide a convenient excuse to bow out things, according to almost 84% of moms surveyed. In fact, 45% reported using their kids to get out of social obligations around once a month. One mom even confessed to using them as a trump card with her husband: “I have used obligations for the kids—homework, projects, laundry—to get out of sex.”