It’s never a good idea to look at your ex’s Facebook. And yet.
Day 1,600-something since the split — not that I’m counting anymore, which I think is the whole point.
I saw him at the intersection near the office today. I already knew he was in town — a mutual friend had mentioned it the week before. God I hate it when mutual friends tell me news about him. Seeing him in person must have triggered something, because I went home and told myself I was only going to take a quick look at his profile.
I lied to myself. I ended up going through the posts and the comments.
Photos of him and his girlfriend of four years are all over his account. They look happy. And I noticed something I wasn’t expecting — I didn’t feel the resentment I used to. Just a quiet kind of peace. Thank God for that. Reading the comments, it seemed like he really has changed. Like he’s become someone different from the person I spent years with. It’s almost believable.
A few months earlier — around the same time some of those photos were taken — he reached out to me through his other account. The screenshots are below. The short version: he wanted to know if I was dating someone, whether we were having sex, and whether I’d consider taking him back if he came back. I realized where the conversation was going and stopped engaging.
Compare that to Day 6, when I was still trying to figure out where to even begin. Or Day 18, when letting go felt like something I had to do in pieces. Or Day 218, when I sat with Jason Mraz and waited for the ache — and it came, but softer than before.
Day 1,600-something and someone I once cried over for months is just a face I passed at an intersection. That’s not nothing.
I genuinely don’t know if he’s changed or not. But if he has, I’m honestly glad he found someone who brought that out of him. I was never going to be that person — not because I didn’t try, but because that kind of change has to come from within. You can’t love someone into becoming better if they’re not already willing.
Relationships are hard. I don’t even think I’m ready for one right now. What I do know is that I want the kind that brings out the best in you and still stays when you’re at your worst. I’d like to believe that kind of person still exists. I choose to believe it does.
And looking at an ex’s Facebook is never a good idea. Unless you’re actually friends now — which I am with one or two of mine. But for the ones you’re not? Just don’t. The coffee’s not worth it..
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