The difference isn’t age. It’s maturity, and it took me a while to see that.
In my early twenties, I was drawn to unavailability. The kind of guy who called back sometimes, showed just enough interest to keep you guessing, and somehow that inconsistency felt like excitement. Looking back, I understand it better now — there’s a term for it, “attractions of deprivation,” the idea that we’re drawn to people who can wound us in the same ways we were wounded before. The psyche trying to rewrite an old ending.
Games worked on me because I was still figuring out who I was, and because I hadn’t yet learned to value what I was worth. That took time. Heartbreaks. Picking myself back up more than once.
Somewhere along the way, something shifted. I stopped being attracted to boys.
I came across this article from Just My Type during that season of rebuilding and it said clearly what I had been slowly working out on my own. I’m sharing it here because it still holds up — and because if you’re in the middle of figuring out the same thing, maybe it helps.
The following is shared from Just My Type. It’s not something I wrote, but something I needed to read.
The difference between a boy and a man has nothing to do with actual age. It’s about maturity, self-awareness, and where someone is in life. Some people never really grow up regardless of how old they get.
1. A man knows what he wants and goes for it. A boy has a vague idea but doesn’t put in much effort. A boy is passive. A man is assertive.
2. A man plans for his future. He’s building something — a foundation, a direction. A boy lives mostly in the moment, and his plans rarely extend past the weekend.
3. A man looks for substance in a partner. Intelligence, shared values, groundedness. A boy mostly cares about what’s exciting right now.
4. A man recognizes a good woman and takes initiative. A boy might make a half-hearted attempt, but gives up before really trying.
5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He’s honest about where things stand. A boy avoids, ignores, or creates drama rather than deal with anything serious.
6. A man commits when he’s ready to commit. A boy is always “testing” — never fully in, always leaving himself an exit. The truth is, no matter who he meets, he won’t be ready because of where he is in life, not because of who you are.
7. A man has a life he’s building. He knows how to have fun, but he’s also busy making progress. A boy is still spending every weekend the same way he did at twenty.
8. A man has thought about his values. He knows what kind of person he wants to be and tries to live accordingly. A boy hasn’t figured that out yet, which is why he’s often inconsistent.
9. A man has integrity. He means what he says and follows through. If he can’t, he tells you why. A boy makes promises he doesn’t keep.
10. A man puts himself out there despite fear. He’s afraid of rejection like everyone else, but he doesn’t let it make him passive. A boy protects his ego by never fully trying.
11. A boy plays mind games. A man doesn’t.
That last one is the quickest filter — and you can usually spot it early if you’re paying attention.
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