You figure it out as you go. But having a map helps.
One of the fears I carried into solo parenting was the weight of it all — keeping it together, holding everything in place, and somehow raising Xavy into someone good. Will he respect women? Will he understand that choices have consequences? Will I be enough?
Too many questions. So I went looking for answers, the way I usually do, and found this list from Parenting.com on ten things successful single moms do. I’m adding my own thoughts because some of these I was already doing without knowing it, and some of them I clearly still needed to work on.
The following is based on an article from Parenting.com, with my own honest reactions after each point.
1. Seek out role models.
Single parents and their children can flourish — and there’s no shortage of proof. President Obama was raised by his single mom and grandparents. President Clinton grew up primarily with his mother. The list goes on. I started keeping my own mental list of people who did it well, to reach for on the harder days. Not as a standard to measure myself against, but as a reminder that this is survivable — and more than that, it can produce something remarkable.
2. Find a work schedule that suits your family.
As an IT supervisor for an international online travel agency, I have some flexibility when I genuinely need it. I’m grateful for that — God really did give me bosses who understand what it’s like. On top of my full-time job I keep a couple of online jobs too, because the finances require it. The advantage of online work is that I can do it at home and keep an eye on Xavy at the same time.
3. Schedule kid-free time.
This doesn’t mean abandoning your child. It means you’re allowed to breathe. Grab coffee with a friend. Watch a movie alone. There are moments when you genuinely need quiet, and taking that time makes you a better parent the rest of the week.
4. Don’t obsess about things you can’t control.
No one can force Xavy’s father to show up. He’s promised to visit and not followed through. The silver lining — if there is one — is that Xavy is still too young to understand what’s happening. What I can control is making sure he doesn’t build his sense of worth around someone who might keep disappointing him. I’ll cross the harder conversations when we get there.
5. Count to ten.
Relevant for when Xavy is older and the messes get bigger. The point is that single parents have no one to hand off to when patience runs thin. Yelling doesn’t help anyone — not him, not you. Walk away, count, breathe. The peas on the floor will still be there when you come back, and so will your sanity.
6. Don’t compete with yourself.
If it comes down to scrubbing the floors or spending an hour on the floor playing with Xavy, the floor can wait. Nobody is grading the state of the house. Xavy will remember the playtime, not the clean tiles.
7. Point out good men.
With his father largely absent, it falls to me to make sure Xavy knows what a good man looks like. Right now that’s his Lolo — they ride around on the motorbike together and Xavy lights up every time. It’s not a perfect substitute, but it’s real and it’s consistent, and that matters.
8. Congratulate yourself.
I don’t do this enough. But Xavy is walking now, sleeping through the night, saying words. I’m working multiple jobs, keeping the bills paid, and keeping him fed and loved. That’s not nothing. Pats on the back, occasionally, are allowed.
9. Always be prepared.
Every outing involves a bag packed like I’m preparing for a minor emergency — toys, wet wipes, extra clothes, snacks. I used to resent it. Now it’s just reflex. Moms are basically girl scouts who never signed up for the badge.
10. Multitask strategically.
Work when he sleeps. Clean while he watches his shows. Sneak in some learning while the nursery rhymes play in the background. It’s not glamorous, but it works. Everyone gets what they need, more or less, and the day gets done.
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