Why growing up without a dad was the best thing to happen to me!

I never met my father. He abandoned my mom days after I was born. As I got older and understood more about life, resentment and anger eventually crept in – feelings that could have led me down the wrong path in life, if it wasn’t for my amazing mother.

A single mom that pulled double duty to make sure that I never lacked anything. She did it all and although she was the best and did all she could, it never seemed to fill the hole in my heart where a son’s love for his dad should be.

I still remember the Boy Scouts camping trip that I declined going on because I knew that all the boys were taking their dad and I was the only one with no dad to take along.

Growing up I never attended a baseball game or basketball game because it just didn’t feel right to ask mom to take me to a sporting event, although I knew she would take me in a heartbeat if I asked her.

Transitioning from a boy to a man was a challenge for me. I drove my mother through hell with my erratic, irresponsible and immature behavior, not having a male role model to look up to and to emulate in my life took its toll.  This might come as no surprise since research shows that fatherless children are more likely to develop behavioral problem, commit crimes, do poorer in school and also more likely to commit suicide than those who grow up in a home with both their mother and father.

In my early twenties, I experienced several life altering events that led me to a major epiphany.

I decided from that moment on that I did not want to be a statistic. I promised myself that it was time for me to become a man. A real man! 

  • A real man that would never abandon his children no matter what.
  • A real man that takes full ownership of his responsibilities and delivers on his word.
  • A real man that treats others that way that he wants to be treated.
  • A real man that is fully committed to his promises.
  • A real man that is a leader and sets a good example for others to follow.

When I made the decision to rise up and become a real man my life changed, things that were out of order before seem to just fall into place. Although, it’s an ongoing challenge to walk the path of a real man it’s the challenge itself that forges you with the character and perseverance that is needed to become a successful man, husband, father and leader.

Part of becoming a man is also learning to forgive, so although I never forgave my father face to face…I did forgive him in my heart.  But it’s funny, although I forgave, I never forgot.

On June 7, 2013 – my first child, Elijah entered the world. As I held my son for the very first time and felt an overwhelming love for this human being in my arms, in the back of mind I thought about my father and instead of feeling angry or resentful, I felt gratitude.

Thank you dad for not being there for me.

  • It’s because of what you did, that I’m going to make sure that I will always be there for my son!!
  • It’s because of what you did, that I learned how important a dad is to a son.
  • It’s because of what you did, that I’m going to be the best dad ever.

And the empty hole that I had in my heart for my father’s love is no longer empty, it’s now been filled with the unconditional love for my first born son Elijah.

Originally posted on Why growing up without a dad was the best thing to happen to me!

How Dads Affect Kids

Dads are fundamentally important to their kids. Good or bad, living at home or living away, alive or dead, happy or sad – every dad matters and has a huge influence on his kids’ development. The relationship children have with their father affects their self-esteem, how well they do at school, even whether they are able to form happy, long-lasting relationships as adults. Dads (biological dads, step-dads, and other important father figures) can be a massive force for good, and bad, in their children’s lives. Here are some of the ways that dad influence operates.

Good-enough Dad. A good-enough dad – like a good-enough mum – helps provide for his child and spend time with them. But above all he helps them feel safe, competent and lovable. He can lose his cool like any parent. But, on the whole, he keeps his tempers and set reasonable and clear boundaries.

A good-enough dad spends regular focused time with his kid and is a great listener. He takes him out, visits his school, look after him at home and talk and read with him. He knows that, within his family, he is modelling half the world’s population – the male sex – showing (not telling) boy how to be good man and how a good man should treat a woman.

A dad, like a Mom, is one of the two people in the world most likely to love their child madly and stay loyal to them for life. Even men who rarely see their children usually think about them a lot. And disadvantaged dads love their children just as much as more skilled or confident fathers.

Research shows that good enough dads helps children develop:

  • better friendships, fewer behaviour problems
  • better results at school
  • higher self-esteem and life-satisfaction
  • lower chance of becoming criminals or abusing drugs 
  • more satisfying adult relationships

But the most important thing a father can give their children is self-esteem, according to Adrienne Burgess, author of Fatherhood Reclaimed: The Making of the Modern Father. “Fathers have a huge impact on their kids’ self-esteem,” she says, “step-fathers too: maybe the child feels: ‘my parents love me because they’re my mum and dad, but my step-dad doesn’t have to like me. Maybe the way he sees me, is how I really am.’ The more time fathers spend with their children, the greater the their impact. It’s called the ‘dose effect’, the more dads interact with their kids, the more of an influence they are.

This dose effect doesn’t have to involve doing anything special, or expensive things. It’s about hanging out, doing stuff together and chatting as the need arises. Just being there means you’re passing on all sorts of things to your children,” says Burgess. “So you have to be very conscious of everything you say and do. For example, dads who take an interest in their child’s education have a powerful positive impact on their achievement at school – particularly boys.

Bad dad. Because fathers have such a huge influence on their children, negative parenting by fathers can cause a great deal of damage. Research has shown that fathers’ harsh parenting has a very strong effect on children’s aggression, and that negative fathering is linked with low self-esteem. Many teenagers who get into trouble have (or have had) either negative or not enough fathering.

If you want to keep your child off drugs or out of gangs, the best way is to build a strong, positive relationship with them as a tiny child, then maintain that relationship as they grow up,” says Burgess. “If a father rarely focuses on his child, they often perceive that as evidence that they’re not a very important person and fathers who take little in their children’s education are setting them up to fail.

The other side of this coin is that kids are incredibly sensitive to their father’s approval or disapproval, his harshness or criticism, and whether they feel he has abandoned them or takes little interest in their lives.  Abandoning a child is really damaging: research has shown that many kids whose fathers have died fare better than those whose fathers have left.

No dad. Some fathers (like some mothers) really should be kept away from their children for the kids’ safety, but experts believe this should be a last resort. That’s because children who have little or no contact with their fathers are usually very upset by this – although they may not admit this easily.

‘No dad’ kids are more likely than other kids to

  • have difficulties with friendships 
  • get involved in bullying
  • demonise or idealise their father
  • blame themselves for his absence 
  • suffer substantial grief, distress and self-doubt – even into adulthood

It’s very bad for children to feel that their father left them deliberately, and they often blame themselves,” says Burgess. “Many think: ‘What’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why didn’t he love me enough to stay?’ This can be torture for some children and is seriously undermining.

Overall, the evidence shows that fathers have a major impact on their children’s future health and happiness. Dads matter – there’s no doubt about that.