A millennial in love, or not.

“I do want the facade of a relationship, but not the work of a relationship. I want that hand holding but not the eye contact, I want the teasing but not so much serious conversations. I want the pretty promise but a bit hesitant on the actual commitment. Of course I want to celebrate the anniversaries yet I wonder if I can do the 365 days that lead up to them. I want that happily ever after, but unsure about the effort in the here and now. I want to have deep connections too, but maybe not too deep, in case I want to get out of it. I want that world series kind of love, but I’m actually scared of taking the bat for it. Of course I want someone to hold my hand and sweep me off my feet, but at the same time I want to remain safely and independently standing on my own. I want to keep chasing love, but heck, I don’t want to actually fall into it.”

Yep, I think I am in love. Absolutely and crazy in love. That “kilig” feeling? Yes, exactly that one. Shit, try mo nga watch “Pretty Noona Who Buys Me Food” then tell me if you won’t fall for Hae-in’s smiles. Pusong bato ka na talaga pag hindi pa. But this show is making me re-evaluate whether I have indeed moved on from Xavy’s dad and am I ready to get into a relationship?

It’s been 4 years since. I would like to believe that I’ve learned a lot about myself, had a few realizations here and there, and most importantly I think I now know how much of a fool I was back then. Now that I look back, maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was the challenge of changing him. But then again, maybe I’m just in denial that I did love someone like him. Haha! Either way, I’ve learned that you can’t get into a relationship thinking that you can change the person into what you want. It’s not like something that you can customize into your preferences. That was my first mistake, at the end of the day, no matter what you do, you can never change a person unless he/she wants to change. Kung babaero si guy and you think maybe he’ll change because of me, girl, unang-una tanggapin mo muna na magiging babaero sya forever, bonus na lang kung magbago sya because of you. Now kung hindi naman talaga matanggap ng brain cells mo na may kahati, eh di wag mo na simulan pa. 

That feeling of a fresh love, a fresh relationship, that won’t last. So there has to be something more to make your relationship last. Kung wala na yung kilig, ano na? Coz girl, you have to admit that there’s going a lot of days na wala yung kilig, it’s just that comfortable feeling between you too. Some people say that it’s better when you’re friends first but then some argue that you can always build the friendship along the way. Who’s to say who’s right and who’s not.

And when you’re in a relationship, please, I beg of you, please don’t make him your world. Coz when that relationship ends, you’ll find your world crumbling down along with it. Eh sabi nga na iba, pag nagka-boyfriend or nagka-girlfriend na, nakakalimutan na ang barkada. Wag naman naman gurl. It’s a must that you keep your circle of friends and you let him keep his circle of friends as well. Let him have his “boys night out” and insist on your right to have a “girls night out” as well.

See, I was an immature girl back then, over confident and impulsive. And I’m glad things turned out this way. Coz otherwise, kahit sinu-sinong babae pa kaya ang inaaway ko ngayon. Nakaka-degrade ng self-esteem. So am I bit wiser now? I don’t know, maybe I’ve put my wall a little higher this time. But am I ready? Maybe I should explore becoming a lesbian instead, as my boss crazily suggested. *lol I got a few crushes here and there but getting into a relationship with any of them, ahhhmm no.

So maybe I’ve moved on. (Shit 4 years na, loka-loka na lang talaga pag hindi pa ako nakapag-move on. Pero tangina, kumukulo talaga dugo pag naalala na kahit pang-tuition man lang ni Xavy wala syang naibigay – samantalang binibilhan nya nga ano-ano yung girlfriend nya. Tangina! Kaya wag lang talaga silang makalapit sa anak ko kasi makakapatay ako ng hayop.) But I actually think I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Sometimes my life is exhausting and I don’t want to bring another person into my exhausting life. I have a lot of baggage and I don’t want to unload it on someone, plus I don’t think I’m ready for another person’s baggage. But pede naman akong paki-usapan, I can adjust if that person looks like Hae-in. *lol